Author: Swati Mohandas
This blog is about one of my childhood friends *Akash, (name withheld to protect identity). We used to stay in the same locality and he is a few years younger than me. We spent time with our common gang of friends playing, chatting and general merriment.
Life went on. We completed our respective education, some of us moved out of the city and left overseas for better job prospects and so on. Even, I moved out though we all were busy in our lives we did manage to keep in touch via social media.
A few years ago when I was visiting my hometown Mumbai, Akash and I decided to catch up at a café. We were chatting about our childhood days and getting nostalgic when he blurted out that he is gay. He also disclosed that this conversation with me marks the first time he has officially sat someone down and ‘came out’. Even his parents aren’t aware of it yet and he doesn’t even want to divulge it to them. He felt that as he is their only son he didn’t want to ‘disappoint’ them.
We, as friends never thought of dwelling into the fact that Akash never had a girlfriend or showed much interest in the opposite sex. My initial reaction was of surprise, but later I did what friends do and that is to support him.
As he got more comfortable he spoke about how throughout his life he has struggled to find his identity and be true to himself. During his college years he got attracted to other boys and was confused by these feelings. Therefore, he began to ‘hide in the closet’. He didn’t have a label for it at the time but he knew enough to understand that it would not be widely accepted and should be kept hidden. He developed low self-esteem, his relationships suffered only because of his sexual preference.
It was quite painful to hear Akash share about all this and more so knowing that he has gone through so much in his life all by himself.
Even though there is an LGBTQ community existing and though our legal law is backing this community still Akash hasn’t mustered the courage to come out of the closet neither to his family nor to society. He says ‘coming out’ to others has a massive amount of anxiety attached to it. He could lose his family members, his friends, he could be ridiculed publicly and he isn’t ready for all this. In his words, `it has been a long and lonely road and many battles are still to be won’. He couldn’t celebrate his choices nor his ‘being’.
With so much uncertainty looming over Akash’s head concerning his sexual orientation, as a friend I can only support him, assure him that he isn’t alone in his journey and hopefully give him the strength to ‘come out of the closet’.
With so much awareness about the LGBT community and people being open about their sexuality and gender, it may be that in future, coming out might well become a thing of the past. And one day people might not need to come out at all because all sexualities and genders will be celebrated as natural and normal.
I had never seen Akash so vulnerable and broken as he was now. We spent a few hours at the café – wherein he revealed his heart and his soul which he never did before to anyone.
I wanted to help him, I didn’t want to leave him all by himself, definitely not now when he was at such a sensitive juncture of his life. Besides being by his side I really didn’t know how to handle this situation so I suggested that he meet up with a therapist and seek his expertise. He would be in a better position to understand Akash’s turmoil.
Akash hesitatingly agreed to meet the therapist. The sessions began. The therapist not only gave Akash the much-needed listening ear but also affirmed his faith in his sexual preference. He was leading a double life – pretending to be a heterosexual guy around friends and family. His parents were quite supportive and loving and trusted him and never questioned his decisions in life. But living with a secret was bothering him, he felt trapped and he wanted to tell them the truth.
After 9 months of therapy sessions, finally, Akash mustered enough courage to disclose to his parents. He called me and asked me to come home that evening to stand by him when he will break the news about his sexuality to his parents.
After the initial chai-nashta gupshup, Akash said, ‘Ma, Papa I want to share something with you both.’
‘Haan, beta! Bolo…sab theek tho hain na’, saying this aunty quickly glanced at me in the hope, maybe I know what Akash has to say. But I didn’t say anything and looked back at him.
He began by saying that he doesn’t want to get married as girls don’t interest him. He continued speaking calmly and said that he was attracted to men and was gay.
This news sent chills down their spines and they were visibly shocked. Aunty froze but uncle took only a few minutes to reach out to Akash and patted on his head and reassured him that everything will be alright.
And thus, began a series of uncomfortable questions but Akash handled them quite calmly as he remembered what his therapist had told him that if it takes 35 years for him to understand his sexuality and come to terms with his truth. In all fairness, he shouldn’t expect his parents to come to terms with it in merely 35 minutes. He made sure that they knew that he was normal and needed no cure. Homosexuality was not a disease, something he didn’t have control over and was irreversible.
A lot happened during ‘the talk’ – tears, questions, discomfort, shock and yes sadness. It took time and lots of conversations and patience. But that day onwards Akash could sleep like a baby knowing that the weight of the universe had finally been lifted off his shoulders and that he would never be without their unconditional love. Their journey as a family reached a great place of understanding and respect.
To sum it up, my point of view is to seek professional help whenever the need arises and to stop worrying so much about what society thinks. As parents, we have one job; to raise happy, healthy and well-adjusted children. The way to do that is through unconditional love. That’s what children crave most from their parents. They want to know that their parents will always love them, protect them and defend them. Treat and celebrate your child like the divine gift that they are.
About the Author:
I am a Philosophy graduate and a certified computer professional from Mumbai and based in Pune with my family from the last 2 decades.
Literature always fancied me. I pen down short stories, blogs, poems and has forayed into freelance content writing. I even published an award-winning book of collected poems titled ‘Myriad Whispers’ which is available on Amazon.
When not writing, I enjoy listening to music, exploring the outdoors and scanning local bookstores.